Clearly I'm not very good at this blogging thing...

Sooooo, it's been about a month since I've written anything in here. I'm just not super dedicated to this, what can I say?

But I do have something on my heart.

My rent was due 2 days ago. My cell phone bill was also due 2 days ago.

I do not tangibly have any money right now.

I didn't tangibly have any 2 days ago either.

"What now?" is all I've been thinking for the last 48 hours.

I have less than 30 days to produce about $700 dollars... needless to say I haven't been sleeping well lately :)

And the things that worry me aren't necessarily the money. Money is just a certain blend of paper that's been dyed in a certain fashion that means WAY too much to people. What I find myself struggling with is "God, did  I hear You right?? I thought coming out here was OUR desire? I thought YOU said no to getting a job? God, you said YOU are my provider and you have provided thus far so what makes now different?"

Jesus and I are at an interesting place in our relationship :) Do I really trust Him? I think I do... I know I want to. I know this seems crazy. I know I've never been in this position before.

What I figured out today is my perception of who God is is not bigger than my financial problems. I have trusted God through financial situations before. I watched God drop thousand of dollars in my lap via my wonderful friends and family about 24 hours before I left TC to come here. I watched Him pay off the last of my tuition on THE day it was due. I watched Him give me rent and money for groceries and other things last month. Why do I still doubt? Why am I still worried? "Because God is late" happens to be what my doubt is screaming at me this moment. But what if God isn't late and His timing really is perfect? I know that seems nuts. Rent was due on the first. It is now the third. That means it's late no matter who you believe in. But does it really??

I have been given a marvelous opportunity to believe in the sovereignty of God. To trust that He is who He says He is. To believe that God is SO MUCH BIGGER than this. God is so much bigger than my empty bank account or my empty wallet. And He WILL provide again. He always does.

So tonight I'm going to church. I'm going to go worship and minister to the Lover of my soul. Because that's what matters most. I will lay my anxiety and my doubt down and just love Jesus and whoever is in front of me. Because that's the most important thing. And I will trust that God is always good. That His plans are better than my plans. That He knows all and has a better perspective than I do so He knows what's good and right. I choose to live loved and worry free.

That is all for now :)

LOVE from me.