It's not GOODBYE, it's just goodbye... right?

OH MY GOODNESS...

So as many of you know, I will be home in 10 days. That's right people 10 measly little days and you will be seeing this face again:


Best news you've EVER heard right??? :)

Anyway, I feel like I actually had some important things to share! Like, never leave half a cake on top of someone's car and then drive away. Or make sure you really are familiar with the perimeter of your pool BEFORE you confidently stroll out there in the dark lest you stroll directly into the aforementioned pool (that didn't happen to me but to a friend of mine. Still funny). These are just some of the little nuggets of wisdom I have learned this year. You're welcome...

For real though, I am so excited to see you all BUT I am so sad/scared/shocked that I'm leaving Redding. This year has been absolutely incredible. I am a different person. A completely different person. I have learned so much and developed so many amazing relationships and just really LIVED out here. And I don't mean I did a bunch of exciting, mind-blowing, death-defying things. I am still practical me after all but I guess moving out here in the first place was my exciting, mind-blowing, death-defying act. I may have seemed cool and confident on the outside but let me tell you I have never been more scared in my life than on that plane ride from Chicago to San Francisco on August 17th, 2011. That was a LONG 5 hours.

But I am so glad that I did this. I do not regret this last 9 months at all. That reminds me, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has financially supported me, prayed for me, listened to me cry over the phone, put up with my doubts and insecurities, etc. A lot of people in my class came out here with no support system at home. They moved out here hoping to make lifelong friendships and connections. I came here WITH all of that. I have the BEST cheerleaders anyone could ever hope for. Thank you for being people I can come home to. Even though I do not have a job yet (I stress YET) and my living situation is a bit less than concrete, I can't wait to come home. And it's all because of Y-O-U. Words cannot express how much I love you. All I can do is cry when I think about each of you. Yes, I really do cry. Ah! Moving on before I start crying right now... :)

I am not afraid to admit that making the decision to come home was a bit of a challenge for me. While I do love you all, I have that fear of maybe I've changed too much and I won't fit in anymore? God has blessed me with a great life here. I have awesome friends who have physically seen me go through this process all year long (shout out to Fawn Bauer. My amazing and gorgeous roommate who has put up with me and loved me through even the hardest and most ridiculous of events this year. I'm keeping you no matter where we move. I don't know what I would have done this year without you. Probably would have died... I don't know. I love you, Fawn), I have a nice house with a pool and a chicken, and once most of the Bethel students leave for the summer it is a piece of cake to find a job around here. I could very easily stay and continue down the path my life is on. I would have a clear direction (2nd year at BSSM), I could get plugged into a youth group here, I could continue building relationships that I've started this year. It would all be very clear and mapped out. That would make it easy to stay.

But, my story with God doesn't work that way. When Mischa get's comfortable and things start to seem easy she stops needing God. Because she knows what to do. She knows how to fix things. She can do it all by her independent, stubborn, little self thank you very much. And that is the very thing that would kill everything God has done in my life this year. See, I have been pondering the reasons that God may have brought me out here a lot in the last couple of weeks. Mostly because I want something clear and concise to say to everyone when I get home. And a little bit because 9 months later, I'm still not sure. And one of the biggest things I've noticed is that this whole year has been God helping me understand that I need Him.

 I remember the night I chose Him. But what I never realized was how freakin' lost and miserable I was before I met Him. See, Jesus loves me enough to let me think for a little bit that I chose Him and that's why we have a relationship but what I see now is I NEED HIM. The night that I met God it felt like I was coming home. It's like, my whole life I had been kidnapped and held prisoner and then miraculously in less than a second everything changed because He rescued me from the emptiness and confusion that had been my reality.

So what I have come to see this year is that my world doesn't make sense without God. And He knew that. He knew that all along. He knew that if I would depend on Him and put all of my faith, hope, and trust in Him that my life would make sense. That I would have everything I've ever needed and everything I never knew I wanted. And my life may look foolish to the world but I have never been happier, more confident, or more at peace in my whole life. I have never felt more hopeful about my future. It has never seemed brighter. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing with my life but I know what God has made my heart to burn for and I know what makes me come alive and I know that my Jesus will be with me every single step of the way. To hold my hand when I'm scared, to remind me of who He says I am when I doubt, to love me in such a way that sets me free to conquer the world. How can life not seem like an exciting adventure when you have that??? When you have Him???

With all of that being said, I have in fact made the decision to come back to Michigan!! It is my hope that by the end of May I will have found a job in Grand Rapids and be living there but I'm open to God showing up and changing that plan. I'm open to life not looking the way I thought it would. Which is big and entirely new for me. Feel free to applaud or do a happy a dance or roll your eyes... now! :) My adventure in Redding has been amazing but I think it is time for Jesus and I to find a new adventure! I love you all. I can't wait to see you and to sit down and look at you and ask you how you are and what your life has looked like for the last 9 months. I want to hear about the adventures that you and Jesus have been exploring. So be ready with your answers people! :) You have 10 days! Ready... go!!

I made it!!!

5 months ago today (or maybe tomorrow, I can't remember) I got on a plane in Grand Rapids, Michigan without a return flight and moved to Redding, California to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. And what an adventure the last 5 months has been! 

Me. Laughing. Weird, I know.

I will not be reminiscing about the last 5 months in this blog. There would be too much to say. I would get tired of typing and you would get tired of reading. So for both our sakes, I will move on.

But looking at the next chunk of school that lies ahead of me, here's what I'm looking forward to:

1) Dreaming with God.

Who wouldn't want to be friends with me?

I was sitting in worship the other day at school and I heard these little kids from Bethel Christian School playing out in the hall. They were laughing and yelling. Whatever they were doing sounded like a whole lot of fun. And as I was listening I got this burning desire to go play with them. I wanted to be apart of whatever it was they were doing. And I had this thought "God, I think it would be so much fun to be a kindergarten teacher." And this thought was shocking because (fun fact about Mischa!!) I don't really like little kids. I have hard time with them. You can't rationally talk to them. I know, teenagers aren't always that different. But for whatever reason, I can handle teenage-irrational being better than child-irrational being. Hopefully that makes sense. But a little later that night, that desire was still in my heart. And it's still there right now. I don't know what that's about but it's cool what kinds of dreams God will give you when you have a surrendered heart. And I think that's why worship was the perfect time to give me that thought. Because right then at that moment all of my defenses were down, all of my insecurities had melted away and my heart was totally God's. And it was the perfect time for Him to change my heart and give me a new dream. Now, I don't know if that means I'm going to be a kindergarten teacher someday, but it's just one of the more recent dreams I've discovered in my heart. 

I love that He does that. I love that the more I learn about Him, the more I learn about myself. And the more I do that, the more I discover what I want, what I love, what makes my heart burn, etc. I love dreaming with God. Because when I do that, I feel like a little kid and anything is possible. 

2) Confidence and Boldness.

Now that we have spent the last 4 months of school going through a lot of inner healing and figuring out our identities, I'm excited to walk those things out in confidence and boldness. I don't necessarily feel a boldness yet but I do feel an extraordinary sense of confidence in myself and in God that I haven't ever felt before. 

3) Trusting God. I mean, REALLY trusting God.

My roommates. We're funny :)

So... I don't have a job. I know that isn't going to surprise anyone. What may surprise some people is that up until the last 3 weeks, I haven't been looking for one. I was looking for a job the first month I was here but after not finding one I finally decided to ask God about that! And He told me to rest and that He wanted me to trust Him to take care of me. So I said yes. Because I came to Bethel to start saying "yes" to God no matter how crazy what He says may sound. And that has led me to trust that He will pay my bills. I don't want anyone thinking that this has been a perfect and peace filled process. Because it hasn't been. I have been filled with anxiety and doubt at times. But He always provides. I have enough food to eat and my rent is paid every month. 

Last month I was really struggling. I was kind of mad at myself because I thought that by now I should KNOW that God will provide. But I couldn't shake my anxiety. I figured out that my anxiety wasn't about whether He would do what He said or not. It was about my complete lack of control in the process. I do not have the means to take care of myself right now. I have no back-up plan. Which is terrifying but cool. Every month I receive a miracle. How cool is that? So for the next few months, what I'm shooting for is trusting God minus the anxiety. That's the goal. Peace filled, doubtless trust.

4) And lastly, but certainly not least... COMING HOME!!!! :)

Thea and I at Bethel. Max is doing something funny apparently.  

I am looking forward to coming home somewhere around May 15th. I have the most peace about finding a job or two at home and staying in TC for the summer. I SERIOUSLY cannot wait. I'm so excited to see you all. I can't wait to spend the lovely Traverse City summer with you all! I am praying that I will be able to find a job or two at home before I arrive back in Michigan. Please keep that in your prayers and if you hear of anything (nannying, restaurant, retail, etc.) PLEASE let me know!!! I'm not sure how to secure a job at home when I won't be able to interview for it but I'm confident that God will work it out. Because He loves me a WHOLE lot! :) 

I love you so much. And I miss you more than I could say. So I hope you enjoyed this blog!

Blessings and a ton of love,

Mischa

I am SO blessed by the four people around me.

Clearly I'm not very good at this blogging thing...

Sooooo, it's been about a month since I've written anything in here. I'm just not super dedicated to this, what can I say?

But I do have something on my heart.

My rent was due 2 days ago. My cell phone bill was also due 2 days ago.

I do not tangibly have any money right now.

I didn't tangibly have any 2 days ago either.

"What now?" is all I've been thinking for the last 48 hours.

I have less than 30 days to produce about $700 dollars... needless to say I haven't been sleeping well lately :)

And the things that worry me aren't necessarily the money. Money is just a certain blend of paper that's been dyed in a certain fashion that means WAY too much to people. What I find myself struggling with is "God, did  I hear You right?? I thought coming out here was OUR desire? I thought YOU said no to getting a job? God, you said YOU are my provider and you have provided thus far so what makes now different?"

Jesus and I are at an interesting place in our relationship :) Do I really trust Him? I think I do... I know I want to. I know this seems crazy. I know I've never been in this position before.

What I figured out today is my perception of who God is is not bigger than my financial problems. I have trusted God through financial situations before. I watched God drop thousand of dollars in my lap via my wonderful friends and family about 24 hours before I left TC to come here. I watched Him pay off the last of my tuition on THE day it was due. I watched Him give me rent and money for groceries and other things last month. Why do I still doubt? Why am I still worried? "Because God is late" happens to be what my doubt is screaming at me this moment. But what if God isn't late and His timing really is perfect? I know that seems nuts. Rent was due on the first. It is now the third. That means it's late no matter who you believe in. But does it really??

I have been given a marvelous opportunity to believe in the sovereignty of God. To trust that He is who He says He is. To believe that God is SO MUCH BIGGER than this. God is so much bigger than my empty bank account or my empty wallet. And He WILL provide again. He always does.

So tonight I'm going to church. I'm going to go worship and minister to the Lover of my soul. Because that's what matters most. I will lay my anxiety and my doubt down and just love Jesus and whoever is in front of me. Because that's the most important thing. And I will trust that God is always good. That His plans are better than my plans. That He knows all and has a better perspective than I do so He knows what's good and right. I choose to live loved and worry free.

That is all for now :)

LOVE from me.

So good, so so so good to me :)

God is so good :)

That is just one of many things I've learned thus far.

Here's some more:

1. I really do hear God.
    I had been really struggling with whether or not I can discern God's will for my life correctly this last couple of weeks. I moved out here to Redding on faith that this was God's plan for my life. And alot of things that happened before I left TC seemed to confirm that. My plane ticket was paid for, I was given a bunch of money for my tuition and to help with rent, I was even given money with specific instructions to buy something fun while I was in the airport on my way here. Then I got here. And things didn't exactly turn out like I had thought they would. I thought I would have a job. Because that's what you do when you have bills. You get a job. But after stopping to ask God what He thought about that (novel idea, right?) I was surprised to find that getting a job was not apart of His plan for me. He wanted me to rest. And to let Him provide. I'm not saying a job isn't the Lord's way of providing. I'm just saying that is not how He wants to provide for me in this season of my life. I thought to myself  "Alright, I can do this. I'll just trust. God IS my provider. He WILL do this."

That went well for a few weeks. Then I started to panic a little because money was not coming my way. I got about a week away from having to pay my rent, got down to the last little bit of food I had and I started to wonder what my life would look like if God turned out to not be who He said He was. I started to ask Him why He would lead me out to Redding just to fail. Then I decided to stop focusing on my finances and just start focusing on Him. I then started to receive prophecies that God saw my obedience. And then God showed up BIG. Someone gave me $300 in cash for rent. Then I found out that someone else had already paid my rent for October. God really likes to provide. He also really likes it when we're willing to trust that we hear Him and that He is who He says He is. And I believe that even if I had heard Him wrong, because I was willing to walk in faith, He would have still provided. Because that's what He wants. Real relationship and a willingness to believe Him. Even if we end up being wrong. At least we tried.

2. I can in fact cook... And I really like it :)
   For those of you who have known me for any length of time, you have probably heard me make the statement that I can't cook.

Well, I'm hear to tell you that is a lie from the pits of hell. I, Mischalean Elizabeth Reed, can cook. And I'm good at it :) I have been making everything from six layer-rainbow cakes to my own popcorn on the stove. I have discovered that all it takes to be a good cook is the desire to learn, the willingness to try, a laptop (google has been a lifesaver!), and prayer. I have been making breakfast and dinner for my roommate and I for about a week or so. And I must say I haven't eaten better in my life. Also, I'm starting to read food blogs. Vanilla Garlic is my new favorite. Look it up. The man's name is Garret and he lives in Sacramento. His writing is as delicious as his recipes. I can't wait to try some of his stuff out on my roommates!!!

I made my own chili cheese fries lastnight for Fawn and I. They were awesome!!! I just cut up 4 or 5 medium sized potatoes, put them on a cookie sheet with some olive oil and seasonings, and threw them in the oven at 400 degrees for about 30 minutes. I then made a cheese sauce by putting about a tablespoon of butter in a small saucepan, added 2 cups of grated cheddar cheese, half and half as needed to thin it out, then added a little flour because it got too thin. I made white chicken chili the other night so I just re-heated some of that and then put the chili and the cheese sauce on top of the fries. IT. WAS. DELICIOUS. Not at all healthy (I believe Fawn and I are still experiencing some side effects from it) but amazing.

I also bake 6-7 loaves of bread a week for my roommates and I. That's my chore. I'm so blessed :)

3. I really don't know who I am.
    I had all of these ideas about who I was before I came here. Both good and bad. But I really thought I knew myself. I'm coming to find that I don't really at all.

For instance, I've told myself forever  that I can't cook and as I shared above, I can. I'm learning so many new sides to myself that I never knew existed. Like, I want to travel. I don't want to move to a foreign country and stay there (at least I don't have that desire yet...) but I want to see things. I want to explore. I want to see more of God's creation and meet more of His children in different areas of the world. I do not like to fly. I don't want to travel just for the sake of travelling but I do want to go places. Also, I thought that I wasn't creative. I just figured that wasn't my gift and had settled for just being excited about other people's creativity. WRONG. I am creative. As I talked about in my last post, we made journals and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. And I may not have painted anything or learned to play an instrument but I expressed myself in a form other than verbally. And that's big for me. My Father is the Creator. And I was made in His likeness. Thus I was born to be creative. I'm also starting to learn that I am a blessing to other people. God has placed things inside of me that benefit everyone who gets to know me. So trying to downplay who I am isn't really being humble. It's really just not believing that God creates beautiful things. So really not talking to people and not getting to know other people is being selfish and hoarding all of the amazingness that God created and then placed in me.

One big breakthrough I've had is discovering that God created me to be open and honest and transparent. And that's not a bad thing. "Protect your heart" does not mean "Be a guarded person". I have always been very open. I love easily. I let people in deep. And I do get hurt alot. But that also means that I have loved and been loved in return. How deeply you can be hurt by someone is also how deeply you can be loved by them. If you keep everyone out for the sake of guarding your heart, you will not know real love or true intimacy in a relationship. And that is a miserable and lonely existence. That is a life without love or risk. And Bethel spells faith, R-I-S-K. God has told me that He created me with the ability to share and be transparent because my willingness to do that gives the people I'm around the freedom to do the same. When I'm honest and open, other people then feel safe to do the same. He also told me that He will protect my heart. And I don't have to be afraid of letting people in. He created me to be known.

4. God WANTS me.
   I'm taking this class at Bethel that is based off of the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge (If you haven't read this book yet, go read it. Now. Whether you're a man or a woman, it doesn't matter. Because this book reveals a side of who God is. And we all need to know it regardless of gender). Some people may think this book is a little too mushy but it makes some very valid points about women. The class focuses on discovering your role as a woman and intimacy with God. Today was the first day and it was good :)

At the end of the class, our teacher gave us some time just to soak in God's presence. So I laid on the floor and turned my heart to Jesus. And I felt this eagerness and anticipation flow through my heart. I love that. I love that the thought of getting to spend some time with the Lover of my soul can send my heart into palpitations. I hope that never goes away. Anyway, so I was laying there and I heard Jesus say "I feel that too. The excitement that you feel at getting to spend alone time with Me is a mirror of how I feel about getting to spend alone time with you."

 !!!!!!

Words cannot properly convey the elation that my heart felt at that moment. I was one of 30 or so women in that room. We were all spending alone time with Jesus at that same moment. But God was eagerly anticipating getting to talk to me. Individually. That is still something I don't fully grasp but it's so amazing that even with 6 or 7 billion people on the planet, He still knows us intimately as individual people. And He wants to spend time with each one of us. He longs for it. He eagerly anticipates it. That is amazing. God is so big. And good. And faithful. And loving. Go spend some alone time with Him. Let Him speak to you. You won't regret it :)

That's about all for tonight. I just wanted to share some things that had been rolling around in my brain. I hope some of it strikes you. I hope some of it causes you to stop and think. I hope God speaks to you through what He's doing in me.

I love you. You, who is reading this right now. I love you. As an individual in my life. You matter to me. You are important to me. My life wouldn't be the same without you. And if you don't think I mean it, please feel free to e-mail me, or write to me, or call me. I would love to take time to assure you that it's true. Because you are worth my time. I love you.

Blessing and more blessings,

Mischa

Oh, side note, I've been getting alot of people wondering when the next time I'm coming home will be. I will not be coming home for Christmas. Officially. Please don't buy me a plane ticket because I will have to decline it. I have decided to stay here until school is over in May. And then I will be coming home for at least the summer. Sorry if you're disappointed. Know that I miss you all very very much.

What a week...

This week has been interesting to say the least.

Last Sunday, I wrote a note on facebook (that was before my lovely and oh-so-talented roommate, Fawn, took pity on me and made me a pretty blog!) explaining the lows I've been having. I wanted everyone to know that I had in fact not flown off to Neverland. I am indeed still a human being. And I do still have stuff to work through. So everything has not been rainbows and lollipops.

And my week certainly improved from there!!

This week was retreat week for all first and second year BSSM students. So our schedule was all screwed up. In a good way of course :)  This is how it went...

Monday: A quarter of my first year class met in the main sanctuary. There we were provided with fresh journals (MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!), magazines, glue sticks, and scissors. We were told to clip out pictures and words from the magazines to paste onto our NEW journals. We were to create prophetic pictures of what our year at Bethel would be like for each of us individually. At that moment I was very relieved that I had done what my revival group pastor had asked us to do and prayed about what season I was in. It was much easier to essentially prophesy over myself on the spot when I had a little bit of information as to what God has for me this year.

I was a little nervous just because I had never thought of myself as the creative type. Back in junior high, instead of passing notes back and forth in class and risking someone finding our notes in the trash, we just kept a notebook and passed it between eachother. Essentially we kept diaries written to eachother. You could only have one notebook per friendship. I had probably four going at once at one time in junior high.

Anyway, we would always decorate the front cover of these notebooks. It always seemed like the one's my friends decorated were better than the one's I did myself. Elizabeth Anderson and I had one... She decorated ours. It was my favorite :)

So, I decided to face my fear. If I've never been creative before, I guess now is as good a time as any to start!! So I bravely picked up my scissors and boldly went where no Mischalean Elizabeth Reed had ever gone before. I cut out whatever stood out to me with no real pattern in mind. When I finished and surveyed my clippings, I was pleasantly surprised that the Holy Spirit had been guiding my scissors :)

I will post pictures of my journal later, but let me just say, it is BEAUTIFUL!! And it really does perfectly describe my season and what I believer God is going to do in me this year.

Then we went and got prophesied over by the second year students. That was incredible as well. Basically, they told me everything I didn't know I needed to hear God say. And even some things I did know I needed to hear. And some things that maybe God didn't directly tell them to say ( like that I have beautiful eyes and an amazing smile!!) but maybe they were personal opinions from the guys who were prophesying over me... :)

So monday felt like God's special gift to me after what had been happening in my soul on Sunday.

Tuesday-Thursday: Retreat at an old YWAM base in Chico, CA. It was awesome :) Too many details but I'll give you the brief synopsis. I spent alot of time with my roommate, Marley, whom I ADORE and got to know my revival group alot better. It was a blast!

Friday: I baked alot. Then spent some AMAZING alone time with Jesus. It was so good. I forget sometimes how much better everything is after I do that :)

Saturday: Discovered that not only had Jesus paid my October rent, but I also have more than enough left for groceries and other miscellaneous items that I need!! I wasn't shocked because God says He will provide. So I trust Him. But I surprised at the manner He did it in and that there was way more than I needed. Go Jesus :)

So, that was my week :) Not in so much detail but I wanted to get you all caught up!!

I love you all!!!

I hope this blog is helpful in keeping track of where my crazy life is headed!!

Love, Mischa